two black eyes

when i was 2 years old, i fell off the counter in my parent's kitchen and hit my head on the floor. the accident resulted in a black eye (see picture above).


23 years later, i have another black eye. this one came while playing soccer. someone tackled me from behind, sending me flying into the air. i hit my head on the turf and woke up the next morning with a black eye. and the doctor said i have a concussion as well. it kind of looks a lot like the one i had when i was a kid...upper eyelid, same eye.

this one is easier to hide...i think people just think i went crazy with some purple eyeshadow instead of thinking that i have abusive parents.

my new favorite blog

fail blog

http://failblog.org/

the entries are laugh out loud funny. 

elephant dung

a few weeks ago, i received a card in the mail.  the card was made of elephant dung.  (thanks sarah for thinking of me when you saw a card made of elephant dung. thanks also for the funny dung related commentary (use your imagination) that made me laugh)

here are a few facts about elephant dung...

1. on average, an elephant will eat 200 - 250 kg of food a day.  this produces 50 kg of dung.

2. one elephant produces enough dung to make 115 sheets of paper per day. 

3. an elephant's dung is made of fiber.  elephants don't digest their food well and over 50% of what they eat comes straight out the other end. 

i was interested in finding out more about the process of making paper from elephant dung.  so i looked up some info and found out the following...

mr. wanchai is the inventor of elephant dung paper.  while visiting the elephant conservation in thailand, he saw piles and piles of elephant dung and noticed that it is fibrous.  he believed he would be able to make it into paper.  so he filled his car with elephant dung and brought it home.  in order to make the fibrous strands shorter, he used his food processor to blend it.  his wife got tired of him bringing home elephant dung and gave him an ultimatum: either stop bringing home dung and concentrate on your job or stop bringing home dung and make elephant dung paper full time.  he chose the latter.  

a quote from mr. wanchai, "thai elephants have helped many generations of thais and they continue to provide many jobs for the ordinary people like me. it might be just plain dung to most but to me every time a ball drops it is another opportunity to help them. one man's or elephant's trash is another's treasure-where there is muck there is money."

the elephant dung paper is a little bit hard to write on.  the fibers aren't very smooth.  but aside from that, every time i touched the paper, i couldn't help but think of elephant dung.  the informational sheet about elephant dung paper assured me that it is bacteria free and clean, but my hands still felt dirty every time i touched it.   

kitchen klutz

i'm a fairly clumsy person.  i often trip, bump into things, hit my funny bone.  i'm always stubbing my toes.  while my clumsiness can be annoying and often results in minor bumps, bruises and cuts, i have found it to be even more irritating and dangerous in the kitchen.  

my kitchen klutziness can be separated into two categories based on the end result of my clumsy action.

1) MKK (messy kitchen klutz) during a MKK moment, i create a huge mess in the kitchen with my clumsy actions.  

example 1:  while cooking and drinking a glass of wine, i turn around and knock the wine over with my elbow.  the wine spills everywhere.  it also spills on my jeans, socks and shirt.  (note: this can and has occurred with a seemingly endless variety of ways to spill the glass of wine.  in several cases, the wine glass broke.) 

example 2: the kitchen aid mixer should not be turned on while the mixing blade is sticking out of the bowl.  i often turn in on when it is sticking out and covered with dough.  usually, i turn it on by accidentally bumping the switch.  a few days ago, this resulted in cooking dough splattering all over my kitchen and kitchen floor. 

(many other similar examples exist, but you get the point...)

2) BHKK (bodily harm kitchen klutz) a BHKK occurs when my clumsy actions lead to bodily harm.  generally, bodily harm in the kitchen is in the form of a burn or a cut.  

example 1: while i sometimes burn myself on pots and pans, most of my burns occur while baking.  i often burn myself while taking things in and out of the oven.  and most recently (tonight), i burned myself on a cookie sheet.  i somehow managed to give myself a 2 inch burn.  

example 2: accidents with knives usually don't happen when i'm actually cutting something.  they happen when i'm washing dishes, putting knives away or doing something totally unrelated to cutting.  i barely avoided a serious injury a few days ago when i dropped a knife on the ground and it almost pierced my foot. 

sometimes the BHKK can cause a MKK.  when i burn myself taking cookies from the oven, i may drop the cookies on the floor as a result of the pain from the burn.  

i think i'd rather stub my toe or trip in public.  those cookies i baked better be worth the 2 inch burn i have on my hand...speaking of which, i better go eat a few of them to make myself feel better.  they'd probably go well with a glass of milk if i can manage not to spill it...

desperate hoodwives

i don't miss my days in management consulting when i traveled monday through thursday of every week and spent countless hours on planes, in cabs and in airports. however, you do run into some interesting people when you travel...

the woman sitting next to me on my flight from seattle to DC was reading a book entitled, "desperate hoodwives". you just don't see stuff like that when you're driving from seattle to bellevue on i-90.

birds and bikes

[note: this is a slightly embarrassing story that involves spandex and evil birds. read at your own risk. and bear with me as some background info is necessary before we get to the action.]

some of you are aware of my severe fear of birds. the fear dates back to when i was 2 years old and a bird attacked me at the zoo. maybe i'll start a blog series chronicling my horror stories with birds. i'm afraid of all types of birds, but there are two types that give me shivers and make my blood run cold--pigeons and black crows. i'll talk about pigeons some other time; black crows will be the focus of this post. let me just say that the black crow is a large bird, a loud bird, an aggressive bird. i'm pretty sure that the black crow is pure evil.

recently, i have been biking a lot. i've been biking longer distances (30-60 miles) and sometimes commuting to work on my bike (20 miles one way) so i have started to upgrade some of my equipment. last weekend i purchased new pedals and biking shoes. the shoes clip into the pedal so that your foot is locked into the pedal while you're riding. the benefit is that you get power on the up and down stroke while you're pedaling. the difficulty in using them is that you can't just take your foot off the pedal, you have to unclip by kicking your heel out to the side. it isn't hard to unclip, but it isn't as fast as just taking your foot off the pedal and setting it on the ground. it's also very hard to unclip while riding up a hill since you don't have enough time. when you commit to going up a hill, you must keep pedaling or you'll fall off the bike. in case you were wondering, i also wear spandex when i bike. it's so much more comfortable. my spandex biking shorts have padding that makes my butt look huge. anyway, i digress...onto the action.

today, i had finished a bike ride and stopped by the bike store on my way home. i'm getting ready to upgrade from my hybrid bike to a road bike, mostly because they're faster. so i went to test ride a few road bikes at the local bike store. the guy helping me at the store put my pedals on the test bike so i could use my shoes and cleats on the bike.

i took the bike out and started riding around the neighborhood streets. the road bike feels a lot different than the hybrid. it is much faster. it isn't as easy to keep your balance with the thin tire. you're in a different position. and it just takes some adjustment. i almost fell a few times as i was getting used to it.

after about 10 minutes, i decided to take the bike back to the store. in order to get there, i had to go up a large hill (seattle is very hilly for those of you who have never been here). i was about half way up the hill when a black crow appeared. it was squawking quite loudly. i didn't think too much of it as there are lots of black crows around here. suddenly, it started flying towards me. fear rushed over me as the bird made a dive for my head. i ducked and avoided the direct hit. (keep in mind, i'm riding a bike up a hill with my feet clipped into the pedals so i can't just get off the bike. i have to keep biking.) the bird turned around and made another dive at me, hitting my helmet this time.

i'm freaking out at this point. i feel trapped. i can't escape. so i pedal faster. my increase in speed shifts my weight on the unfamiliar bike and i nearly fall. after recovering, the bird returns again and makes a swoop down again. at which point i scream, "leave me alone!!" (i was in the middle of a tranquil neighborhood on a quiet and sunny afternoon.) the bird doesn't listen to me and comes in for another attack (meanwhile, i'm still pedaling up the seemingly never ending hill). at this point, evil black crow #2 comes in and as both swoop in at me, i scream again, "ahhh! go away! leave me alone!" i was really screaming.

finally i reached the top of the hill. at the top of the hill are a man and his son looking at me like i'm crazy. i tell them that there are some crazy birds attacking me down there. it must have sounded to them like something other than a bird was attacking me. and i'm sure they thought i was the crazy one, not the birds.

moral of the story: helmets are useful protection for biking in case you fall off and hit your head. they are also useful in case you get attacked by evil black crows while biking up hills through residential neighborhoods.

if nerds ruled the world...

i don't usually like forwarded emails, but i laughed at a few lines from one i just received entitled, "if nerds ruled the world".

if nerds ruled the world...

• ...The pen literally becomes mightier than the sword. Fencers everywhere are armed with Bics.
• ...Stats for an ideal woman change from 36-24-36 to 780 verbal/780 math.
• ...No one ever laughs if you come to work hung over from last night’s Book Group.
• ...Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman are grafted together to create one incredibly awesome mediocre human being.
• ...“Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” becomes “Are You Smarter Than a Tenth Grader Taking AP Classes?”

update to hazardous work environment

we found out the cause of the fried chicken smell.  it was a plant.  yes, a plant. 

my boss had a few plants in his office that were somehow giving off the smell of fried chicken.  the plants were removed.  the smell is gone.  

go figure!!

hazardous work environment

Below is an email I received today at work today. No, this is not a joke.

"Recently we've had some reports of sinus/headaches on your floor.

One of the things we are going to try to resolve this issue is do an entire floor burn off. Where we turn the HVAC to max to burn/clean out anything that is in the HVAC system that could cause these symptoms.

In order to do this the HVAC needs to run for about 12 hours at max temp after hours. Obviously we don’t want anyone to be on the floor working when this happens for they will be sweltering. This is likely to be done in the evenings after work hours.

The burn off is scheduled for 2pm on Wednesday, February 20th."

My VP, whose office is right next to mine, has a weird smell that comes from the exhaust in his office. It smells like a bucket of KFC chicken. The smell is really strong. So strong that it makes me hungry. And it makes him smell like he works in a KFC. The smell isn't around all the time, but it consistently appears at 3:30 pm each afternoon.

I wonder if the mysterious fast food smell has anything to do with the sinus headaches?

Either way, I'm starting to feel like I need to wear a gas mask to work.

swish swish

Swoosh...swoosh, squeeeeeeeak. I have a weird obsession about the speed of the windshield wipers. I need to control the speed to perfectly coincide with the amount of rain coming down. It drives me crazy when the wipers are quickly moving across the windshield with only a drizzle of rain. I err on the side of having them move too slowly because I cringe when they make a squeak by going to quickly.

I've had this obsession since I started driving, but only recently has it become more of a problem. I live in Seattle and you may be aware of the city's reputation for rain. The rain here is often more like a drizzle or mist; not the hard rain that requires wipers to move at full speed. The needed wiper movement varies considerably depending on your driving speed; there is a lot of traffic here, too. I go through two tunnels on my way to and from work.

So I end up fiddling around with the wiper speed for my entire commute. Faster...too fast. Slower...can't see out the windshield. Sometimes I manually make it wipe whenever I want it to because I can't find the right speed. I wish that the car was smart enough to adjust the wiper speed according to how much rain was hitting it. Maybe technology will do this some day. Until then, I'll continue to battle with my windshield wipers. And I might ask you to adjust yours when I'm driving in the car with you...

strange timing

i work in company HQ with ~5,500 other employees. we occupy four buildings. we have a three-story parking garage. i always park on level B. there are three elevators in the building.

i leave my apartment anytime between 7:15-8:15am each day (depending on how many times i hit snooze). my commute takes me somewhere between 20-35 minutes door-to-door, depending on traffic. traffic is unbelievably unpredictable.

there is a woman who works on my floor that is on the same elevator with me four out of five times each week. it's uncanny. each time i walk from my car to the elevator bay, there she is.

statistically the odds of this happening are very low. so either a) she is stalking me b) she and i are on some weird timing schedule that makes us commute in sync with one another or c) ??

she's probably going to miss me next week when i'm on vacation.

it's 3am and i must be...

Monday:
3:30am: wake up to catch early flight from denver to seattle
8:30am: arrive in seattle
9:00am: arrive at work
9:30am: coffee
10:30am: coffee
1:30pm: coffee
3:30pm: coffee
5:30pm: leave work
9:30pm: in bed early to catch up on sleep

Tuesday
3:00am: loud noise beeping
3:15am: what is that loud noise?
3:17am: drag tired body out of bed to explore noise
3:18am: discover loud noise is fire alarm beeping because the battery is low
3:20am: look for step ladder to reach alarm
3:22am: half asleep and standing on the step ladder, trying to disable fire alarm
3:25am: success! fire alarm is disabled. fingers crossed for no fires until i get time to buy a 9-volt battery
3:30am: back in bed
6:30am: up and at 'em for another day of work

is it me, or do the fire alarm batteries always (ALWAYS) die at night...and in the middle of the night....and on a night where you could really use the sleep?

yellow chonies

yesterday, while playing flag football, i lost my shorts. literally. i caught the pass and started running down the field. as the opposing team reached for my flags, they caught my shorts instead. the yank on my shorts was hard enough to burst the elastic drawstring in the waist that was holding my shorts up. as i ran with the football, i felt my shorts falling. luckily, i recovered quickly so people only saw my yellow chonies for a short time. and in case you were wondering, i did get the first down.

omop

i opened my mop starter kit for the first time today. i've cleaned since i moved in a month ago, but this was my first mop. (my parents are coming tomorrow...) the mop gave me a good laugh, though. the instructions to put the mop together were as follows:

1. start with mop head
2. connect female pole to male pole
a) align flat side of male pole with flat side of female pole (this sounds dirtier than it is)
b) squeeze metal doodads
c) snap poles together
3. continue with male pole and mop handle
4. relax with a nice chianti

what a way to mop! i did follow my cleaning spree with a glass of wine. and the cleaning fluid that comes with omop smells wonderful--like almond extract. check out the link in the title. and in case you were wondering, yes, it is nerdy that i'm blogging about my mop.

feng shui

i think it's really funny that my dad attributes his sleeping problems to bad feng shui. my parents switched around their bedroom furniture about 6 months ago. in the past month, my dad has had trouble sleeping. his conclusion? the room has bad feng shui. what about the 5 months prior when he slept well in the room? no, the room just has bad feng shui.

the bed currently faces SE/NW. apparently, it is better feng shui when the bed isn't angled and faces E/W or N/S. so i spent the last hour helping my dad rearrange the furniture, while my mom watched and made fun of feng shui. in case you're concerned about the feng shui of your bedroom, here are a few other suggestions. my dad printed these out for me from the internet because i "need to make sure my new apartment has good feng shui."

1. the bedroom should be as far away as possible from the front door, mirroring the practice of our prehistoric ancestors who did not sleep in the mouth of their cave.

2. on entering your bedroom, note where the windows are located. chi tends to travel between the door and any windows, so avoid positioning your bed in line with this draught of chi.

3. position your bed so that you can see the door from where you sleep. this gives you a deep sense of inner security.

4. if it is feasible, position your bed as far away from the door as possible.

5. avoid sleeping with your head close to a window as your chi will dissipate through the window and make you feel more tired on awakening.

6. to help protect your own chi while you are asleep, to internalize it and recharge it, make sure you have a strong, stable headboard. chi energy enters and exits the body through the feet, hands and the top of the skull. having a solid mountain behind you while you sleep is far more beneficial than a cold, blank wall or worse, the cutting chi of an ornate brass bedstead.

7. ceiling beams above the bed are a feng shui nightmare. they can be a source of cutting chi and the beams carry a tremendous load.

8. if you sleep with another, make sure your bed is symbolic of this relationship. beds that are rickety or likely to fall apart speak volumes about the state of the relationship.

9. avoid sleeping with your image visible in a mirror. the worst scenario of all is a mirror at the foot of your bed.

10. pay attention to what is under your bed. keep the space clear and get rid of any unwanted items there.

the caffeine curve

Ergopod500

What are the chances that I can get my company to spring for one of these Ergopods? According to the site [linked in title], I can improve my productivity if I work with this work station. Either that, or I'll just fall asleep...

Lego Bible

This is one of the funniest websites I've seen in a while. Check it out at www.thebricktestament.com

Death by Coffee

Ever wondered how much caffeine it would take to kill you? On this website (http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/), you can enter your drink of choice and your weight and it will tell you how many cups/drinks it would take to kill you. I would die if I drank 70.60 cups of drip coffee or 88.25 Starbucks Grande Cappucinnos. All I know is it takes 3 cups in a morning for my heart to start racing.

American Society for Velociraptor Attacks (ASVA)

Prepare yourself for a potential velociraptor attack. (http://www.velociraptors.info/)

"When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

1. Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
2. Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
3. Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron."