i had plans. i had ideas about how the rest of the year would play out for me. and those ideas and plans didn't come to fruition. it was extremely disheartening and disappointing to receive rejection after rejection from the schools where i applied to phd programs. with each one that came in, i felt like an inadequate failure. i know that it was a bad year to apply. i know the programs had hundreds more applicants than usual this year. i know that i aimed really really high. i know that the acceptance rates were less than 2%. but they still didn't choose me. and that sucked.
one of the most difficult parts has been emotionally readjusting my outlook for the rest of the year. i thought i'd be leaving and i have been acting like i would be leaving for months. now all of a sudden, i'm staying where i am. same job. same apartment. same life. i wanted change so badly and there is none. and i'm slowly starting to realize that where i am right now isn't really that bad. maybe i don't need a monumental change. maybe i just need some small changes. most likely, i need to change my attitude, my perspective, my outlook.
the first quarter was terrible and lonely and disappointing. and it involved lots of tears and unrest and even anger. last week i felt the burden of it all very acutely and i didn't sleep more than two hours each night. i watched a lot of late night tv and rewatched dvr shows a few times. after an exhausting week, i needed rest. i needed some peace. i needed to let go of the disappointment so that i could move forward and stop thinking backwards.
so last night i went to the goodwill with some friends. we purchased some plates from the goodwill. we drove to a park late at night. and we smashed the plates in the parking lot. i raised the plates and chucked them at the ground. and it was unbelievably therapeutic. i let go of the first quarter and smashed it away. yesterday was the first day of spring. a new season. march is almost over. a new quarter. and i'm starting to realize that there are things to look forward to. after all, there still is a plan. i have no idea where it will take me. and it isn't the one i had in mind. but maybe it will be so much better than what i imagined.
[the picture above is a piece of one of the broken plates. this plate was my grande finale plate. it said, 'you are special today'. and as i threw it, i screamed the slogan.]